I went to Mass on Sunday, and I receive.
I’m referring back to my post on stealing Jesus in Mass. I remember that while I was in RCIA and more seriously considering confirmation, for the most part, I didn’t receive. And even earlier before that, I wrote about how I didn’t receive in Ireland since I was the only Protestant living with a bunch of Catholic priests.
I am the only one not receiving at these Masses, and I am quite the obedient “non-Catholic.”
I’m still not entirely sure what my rationale was for all of this. Being of evangelical/pentecostaly background, I would guess my “feelings”. Admittedly and shamelessly, I still base my decisions on these, more or less, educated feelings.
Even though I’m now cleared to take Catholic communion, I feel more guilty and have so much less understanding. I have these conversations in my head, “You’re supposed to receive after confession… I should go to confession more. No one goes to confession. Augustine just thought going to mass was enough to receive…” And so on. Do I do this because I think that’s what I’m supposed to do as a Catholic? Am I empathizing with everyone? Sucking up some similar energy? Is there actually some merit in these thoughts and questions? I don’t know.
Did I expected to somehow feel more worthy or special or with some secret knowledge? Well, if I did, I do not. I feel grace-filled, unified, and consumed by mystery. Still.