It’s at that point where I am feeling bored. I try to fight it. I find things to do. I keep busy. But it still hits. I’m writing so much. I feel like I’m working as hard as I can. I feel like I’m resting enough. I’m not wasting time. But still… bored.
I’ve been listening to podcasts of lady CoC preachers, and Rob Bell, etc. and I wondered yesterday, “Do I still believe in Jesus?” Spoiler alert, “Yeah.”
But I think, whatever “believing in Jesus” means has definitely changed. What did I look like before attending graduate theology school? I definitely had more of a sense of calling. Maybe? Though, even that has been a slow road to less certainty. Ah, certainty. I feel much less of that, and I am in more acceptance of faith. Thank God. Even though certainty is a much easier place to be in, it requires a certain amount of denial, stubbornness, lack of openness, and when it finally breaks, it usually not pretty.