Lately, I’ve been of the attitude of just “getting it over with” when it comes to becoming Catholic. I can’t decide if this good, or bad, or normal, or abnormal. I mean, all the depth is still there. I’m not a totally jaded Catholic yet. I’m just the normal Christian. Whatever that means. Along with my feelings of wanting to just get it over with, I am excited. I do feel a little afraid. I do believe I’m doing the right thing, even though I don’t sound like I am. I know that this is good.
I talk about it sometimes like I’m annoyed I have to do it. This is probably more human experience, as opposed to a parental brain-washing encouraging you to do or not do something you will never fully understand. “Welcome to the One Holy and Apostolic Church.” Like with anything you love, or you have to work for, that intense directed hard-working passion—it get’s old, annoying, and repetitive quite often. But you still love it. You still want it. You’re not always totally sure why you do what you do, whatever that thing is, that makes you move and keep moving, but you always know that it is good.
It’s not always perfect. You don’t always feel perfect. But you know. If you make a mistake, it’s not going to be the end of the world. It’s learning and growing.
I feel like there are so many wrong things with some of the above statements. Like, it’s just another way of saying, “Follow your heart.” But just remember, your heart is not perfect. And no, you also can’t perfectly know the heart of God, and have your hearts perfectly melded in the same direction (because you’re human surrounded by humans). However, that is what the kingdom is—working for that melding of our direction and God’s direction… until the work is done… mistakes and all.
I am in a super transition state. In addition to literally moving to another state, I’m getting confirmed, getting married, getting a new job, and planning to walk across Spain all summer. That’s not even including my hobbies of preaching and podcasting and social media and writing and counseling…
I remember that I wrote, not too long ago, that I really didn’t want to do anything that I didn’t want to do anymore. What do I want to do? I want to help people. I want to learn more tech and promotion skills. I want to have time to write, vacation, and be with family.
One of my co-workers was complaining about life, and he said something along the lines of, “You’re life is figured out!”
“What? What are you talking about?”
“You’re getting married, moving to Florida. You’ll pop out a couple kids. And you’ll stay at home and have some sort of popular blog about making your own baby food or something!”
“You think so….”
It was kind of weird. I thought it was mostly weird in that he seemed convinced and maybe even jealous. Personally, I think all those things sound great. But I can’t count on that. I keep writing. I do my thing. But I’m not consistent. I have a million other things in my mind taking me away from what I’d like to focus on. It’s the battle of feelings between “I have to do this” and “I want to do this.”
Even writing this right now, I’m procrastinating. What will this amount to? Probably nothing. But I want to do it. My being depends on it.