A Letter From Depression

Read “A Letter to Depression” Here

Dear Paige,

It’s good to hear from you, and I’m glad you’re doing well and trying to help others. That’s always what I’m trying to do…

You are correct. I am always there. Most, if not all people, know me in some form or fashion at some point in their life. I feel good that some people want to hang out with me for so long, but I don’t always understand why. I may appear in a time of need, but after a while, I don’t choose to be with them, they choose to be with me.

Maybe it’s because I’m pretty reliable, I’m there more consistently than people. I’m better at reminding and remembering things you’d rather forget. People don’t show up or ask questions. People don’t ask about me or talk about me. People ignore me, deny me, tell me to go away, which never works. So, I stick around as long as necessary.

Sometimes I’m there to remind people of something that they forgot. People would rather be with me than the memory, whatever it is. It doesn’t matter to me what happened. I don’t judge. I don’t bring shame. I’m just something to focus on instead, and that’s cool with me.

But what makes me back off? That’s a good question. I mean, I know when I’m needed, and when I “go away” it’s more like melting. Or I’m like a force field that is no longer necessary. Most of the time, it does take some amount of time.

I feel like people want me to go away as quick as possible, they HATE me, which only makes me closer. If I wasn’t there, then people would never be able to be real. To deny me is to deny your realness and reality, and that’s why I can be so strong. Until that realness and reality is owned with other humans, I’m like slime or stuck like a barnacle. Imagine, people just walking around covered in slime, unable to talk or connect with one another… Or worse, a person yelling at a slimed person to get the slime off. “What? I can’t hear you.”

Hurricanes hit. Parents die. People hurt other people. Accidents happen.

And I’m there to help.

At least until you get a good hug. Or your pain is recognized by another. Or you tell your story. Or if you have a good cry, maybe even with another human. Of you have deep reflection. Or you’re caught in intense prayer. Or you figure something out. Or you forgive. Or there is gratitude. Or there is mercy.

I keep you safe and known until you’re ready for some of the above.

Hope this helps.

Depression

 

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Baptized by Story and Stages of Healing White Privilege Edition

Lately, I’ve been baptized by the stories of people who are very different than me. I understand that the privileges that I haven’t earned and have enjoyed, many people of color have not. Their lived bodily experience is radically different from mine. Sure, I have my issues, but very few of them have to do with me just being me in my body, and other’s reaction to that. Continue reading “Baptized by Story and Stages of Healing White Privilege Edition”

30+ Things on 30

This is probably me just bragging, but I’m going to list 30 awesome things that I’ve done, or am thankful for, or make me me. I am 30 now, but lots of people still call me a baby. And the other day some 7th graders were arguing about whether or not I look old enough to have children. I guess that’s a good thing? Continue reading “30+ Things on 30”

Yes Dear, Sleep Naked, and 30 Other Reasons My Parents are Awesome On Their 30th Anniversary

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I’m always really bad about remembering when my parents anniversary is. But there are a couple things that remind me. 1) My birthday is, give or take, one year after they were married. And 2) the month of September, because I know that this is the month that it’s in. Is it at the beginning? Is it at the end? I don’t know. All I know is that this year is their THIRTIETH! 30 years. INSANE. And I’m not even sure if today is the day.

Continue reading “Yes Dear, Sleep Naked, and 30 Other Reasons My Parents are Awesome On Their 30th Anniversary”

You can be happy.

Do you ever feel like…

Nothing I do or don’t do will make me happy.  I’m destined to be sad FOREVER. I think something will make me happy, but nothing will.  Therefore, I will never be happy…

Maybe you’re not happy with your job, a situation, just life in general… We all have those moments when we feel like we will never be happy again. Think of a child (or adult) throwing a tantrum, at that moment, they genuinely believe that they may never ever be happy again… Maybe it’s because they didn’t get their way, or maybe because of a significant trauma. But genuine joy is possible.

Continue reading “You can be happy.”

I’m bored.

Where exactly does boredom come from?  As we’ve learned this week, people (kids!) will kill out of boredom.

I was never that bored, and around puberty (as many people are), I was especially bored.  Lately though, I’ve found myself saying it more often than I’d like.  Even when I’m doing things, I’m bored.  I watch Netflix: bored.  At work: bored.  Walking: bored.  Church: bored. Homework: bored. Continue reading “I’m bored.”

I’m not ready.

I’m not ready (for positive change, or what I want).

When is anyone ever fully ready for healing, transformation, change?   No one ever looks back and goes, “Oh yeah, I was totally ready for that big (or small) change in my life.”  Even when you know it’s coming like moving, a new job, marriage, birth, or even death, you can read all the articles and self-help books, get advice from friends, but in the end, you don’t know how the change is going to effect your life.  That’s okay!  Continue reading “I’m not ready.”