I don’t get sin.

Just Be God’s: A Call to Continuing Conversion is a series of blog posts. You might want to start reading it from the beginning: Here.

April 23

Ugh. Last night was “rehearsal night” for confirmation. It was alright. It’s exciting and scary and mundane. It’s like becoming what you become. Unfairly, as a candidate for confirmation you basically have to say that you believe everything that Catholic church claims about God. I don’t really know everything that the Catholic church claims about God, so that’s kind of tough to say. I suppose if I’m going with what I think I know the Catholic church claims about God, then I’m good. Anyway, it’s a weird feeling, and I understand why a witty teenager might back out.

But I don’t know. Whatever.

It’s so wrong, the way I’m going through this process. The more I think I know, the less I know. One of my friends was like, “This is where you are now, and that’s all you can be true to.” True. Very true. I can’t worry about the past, or anticipate the future, I just have to be where I am with God, and the Catholic church is it. Not perfect. Not “believing” everything. Just being true.

Then there is this confession thing. A good practice, but, again, whatever. First, I’m pretty sure I’ve committed no mortal sin. Because, well, it’s really difficult to do this. I have my issues, my day to day struggles, that have always been. Then I have these distinct moments of venial sin action—again, everyone does this. I do wrong, knowing it’s wrong (maybe a lie, not being generous, cheating, stealing, swearing, being mean, gossiping, anger). Then there are accidents of the same thing.

I’ve always strived to be good. Never actively choosing to step out of grace with God. And maybe that’s a sin too—perfection. Selfishness. Thinking I can do everything by myself, but I need reconciliation. I need to express my imperfection and my need for God.

That’s the short story. The strange thing is rehashing all of this in my mind. Because, I also honestly believe I am forgiven. I don’t need to go to a priest. I get it. Some do need this. And it’s a good practice. A super good practice. It’s better then the cry-fest every Sunday at Evangelical churches reminding us about how terrible we are.

I’m Spiritually Bored

Just Be God’s: A Call to Continuing Conversion is a series of blog posts. You might want to start reading it from the beginning: Here.

September 6

It’s at that point where I am feeling bored. I try to fight it. I find things to do. I keep busy. But it still hits. I’m writing so much. I feel like I’m working as hard as I can. I feel like I’m resting enough. I’m not wasting time. But still… bored.

I’ve been listening to podcasts of lady CoC preachers, and Rob Bell, etc. and I wondered yesterday, “Do I still believe in Jesus?” Spoiler alert, “Yeah.”

But I think, whatever “believing in Jesus” means has definitely changed. What did I look like before attending graduate theology school? I definitely had more of a sense of calling. Maybe? Though, even that has been a slow road to less certainty. Ah, certainty. I feel much less of that, and I am in more acceptance of faith. Thank God. Even though certainty is a much easier place to be in, it requires a certain amount of denial, stubbornness, lack of openness, and when it finally breaks, it usually not pretty.

I’m bored.

Where exactly does boredom come from?  As we’ve learned this week, people (kids!) will kill out of boredom.

I was never that bored, and around puberty (as many people are), I was especially bored.  Lately though, I’ve found myself saying it more often than I’d like.  Even when I’m doing things, I’m bored.  I watch Netflix: bored.  At work: bored.  Walking: bored.  Church: bored. Homework: bored. Continue reading “I’m bored.”